Getting to Sleep

I couldn't fall asleep again last night. Too many thoughts still running through my head. The sun starts rising at about 4 in the morning, maybe a little earlier. I tried to coax myself to sleep last night with warm whiskey. It didn't work. When I finally woke up my mouth was dry.

What finally calmed me down? Admitting to myself that my best friend is probably right. T hat he's no good for me and never has been and that I should leave. I know she's right. He's probably not worth the pain. But part of me feels like that's the easy way. Just wash my hands of him and move on. But who knows... I really hope that he's just scared

Too many thoughts

May 6, 2009

I don't want to bore you with my complaints. This blog was never intended as a place for me to vent. I alway write each post with the aim of making my readers absolutely jealous about what a fabulous life I'm leading. But that's not always the case.
Despite all the wonderful amazing people in Scotland - people I know I will miss ever so much when I return to the city. But still I feel as if I'm trying to live my life from 10,000 miles away, which doesn't work. So many things get in the way; time zones, phone bills, work schedules, sleeping and so on and so forth. This distance has made me the sort of woman I hate. The kind that calls her best friend in the middle of the night crying because her boyfriend didn't call her (I've never done this and never will. I PROMISE.) . But things start turning over in my mind that are like this and I know how silly it sounds when said out loud. Because I've also started talking to myself aloud in public. That's the bad sign, I think. I don't do this all the time. Just the moments I'm alone. The moments when I have nothing to do. The moments when I feel like I'm just killing time before I move back to NYC.

11 May 2009
I didn't publish this post right away. I wrote the above so long ago. On my sister's 21st birthday. I can't believe's an adult. I really never thought she'd grow up - not in the bad way - in that she's still that children of my heart whose out in the world doing adult things. I can't believe it.
Anyway, three days after writing the first part I got bad news. Maybe I knew it was coming. I don't really have another explanation. No, 'bad news' isn't really the right term. My... someone, who maybe, just maybe, I could love for a long time, someone I wanted to really try to have a relationship with, someone I was willing to not just run from if things got bad, someone I thought felt the same. He told me he's seeing someone else. And I don't blame him, i'm across an ocean. But... I really thought we could have tried. And to make it worse, he... he said that he's having trouble deciding to push for more with her, because of me. I don't see why he doesn't just leave her. I know he's lonely, I know that because he's told me and i've been on that otherside of this whole thing with him before. Which kind of gives me hope - a little. But I'm lonely too, doesn't he think that I don't go to bed every night alone and wish that he was beside me, close enough that I just need to reach out to touch the warm skin of his arm. But its just the cold wall. And I'm alone too.
Last time he went back to the woman he was with, and he broke my heart. But I knew he'd do it. Going back was the easy choice. It was so obvious and I sat there and watched him do it and said nothing, because... She was his girlfriend, even though she was across an ocean and across a continent. So you see. Now I'm across an ocean and he's seeing someone else, and I can only hope that he'll come back to me. But I'm not his girlfriend, I'm... and that's the problem. What the hell am I to him?
I wish I could ask the other girl how she did it. What did she say to make him go back to her? I wont yell and scream, that's not me. If he wants me, he has to pick, it has to be his choice. I can't force his hand. But I can't show him from across an ocean. I feel like my hands are tied.

Missing

I feel like I miss everything right now. And I feel like I'm supposed to get on a plane soon and go home. I feel like a travel in what is my real life. I desperate want to cuddle into the arms of my friends and I really want a deli sandwich and NY pizza. Nothing is ever the same as Ny pizza, no matter what the label says. Except for italian pizza in italy, which is better. anyway...

I now understand what some of my friends were going through four years ago. I didn't understand then. I never loved LA as much as I loved NY. I want it. I want to wrap my arms around the subway cars and stub my toes of the street curbs and get yelled at my smelly street people. I want to be the least informed person about types of alcohol or spices, or the entire film industry. I want to be able to talk as fast as I can and still be understood. I want to swear at the top of my lungs and not feel like I've violated a small child, even when none are present. I want to get hit on in bars. I want to be the person who doesn't speak loud enough. Why am I the loud one here? I want to know that if I do something stupide in front of a stranger the odds of my seeing/recognizing them again are nil. I want people who understand when I use the word schmuck. I want people to use the fehrenheit scale, even though celsius makes more sense. I want real cookies. I want plugs that don't have fuse switches. I want people who understand what it means to actually live in a big city. I want people to stop using the words "my village." There are only 3 villages and they don't belong to anyone: East Village, West Village and The Village. These "Villages" probably have more people then all of Aberdeen. I want to watch people get naked in there apartment across the street from me. I want to get naked in front of my window and not have to shut my windows. I want to not be twice as broke. I want all types of fresh vegatables all year. I want to get hot and sweaty jammed up against other people.

Escape

This is the blog I escape to when I don't know anyone I know to know what I'm thinking. Not that I don't want to tell them, I just want to figure it out on my own first.

I'm now living in a small town and I'm going to be here for a year. I'm studying for my master's degree. I don't think I've quite yet come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be here for a year. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I've never lived anywhere so small, and compared to the places I have lived, so rural. If you stipulate that anywhere you have been for longer than 4 weeks as somewhere you have lived, I can count (in order of longest to shortest time):

1) Los Angeles
2) New York
3) London
4) Honolulu
5) Orlando

All of this places, in my opinion, qualify as big cities. Although I don't remember much about Orlando, except our apartment complex and Disneyland. Comparatively Aberdeen is tiny, you could probably fit all of it below Houston (the street in NYC) with room to spare. Except that things are a bit more spread out here. They have the silly idea that people shouldn't be all jammed up on top of each other. I don't know what that's about. I like being about to live on the 26th floor, above a butcher and baker and a candle stick maker and 25 floors of other apartments. The University library only has a total of 6 floors, and one of them is a basement, but it has full length windows and isn't really underground. Silly architects and their desire for natural light, don't they know that vampires need somewhere to hide during the day?

What all of this means is that I've having trouble focusing on things like school work and trying to find myself a regular hang out. Also, I'm trying to find friends. So is everyone, but I feel like maybe I'm having a harder time than anyone else. I feel like I don't know how to act around "normal" people. I've grown up in the entertainment industry and I did my undergraduate degree in the entertainment industry and most of my friends are part of it. And we are different. We think about things differently and have different kinds of common knowledge. Things like this become blatantly obvious when, for example, I was watching a movie with my new roommates last night. Immediately I knew who all the lead actors were and other things they had done, the screen writer had attended my department at university and I was familiar with the music videos of the director. My new roommates were impressed. But compared to the peole from my old school this is a game I fail at. They would also have been able to list off the credits of the director of photographer or offer up trivia about the making of the movie.

I'm also lost in the realm of drinking. For me its just a casual activity that you do when you're socializing. You have a beer and a chat, or a gin and a joke, or anything. You don't need to drink yourself to black out or anything, it just loosens the mood. But I find that people in the real world either don't really drink that much, or they binge. It makes me feel like a chronic alcohoI lic. Mind you because of it I could probably hold a beer better than some of these people. I've also learned, that I happen to know a lot more about alcohol than other people, which is something I always felt I needed to improve in.

That's only the beginning. I don't even know how to describe the differences in devises used during speaking: humor, sarcasm, wit, euphamism, and just being dry. I'm going to have to learn to adapt.

Also, I miss having a NY deli around the corner. How I could go for a ham, muenster, tomato sandwich or grilled mozzarella. yum!

Things that make me feel smart:
-reading books on literary theory that quote books in french and being able to read the french quotation.
-writing really snarky footnotes on in my research papers.
-using literary jargon in my papers.

Things that make me feel sad/overwhelmed/frusterated:
-BACK PAIN!!
-doctors who don't have appointments for a week
-research papers without thesis'
-being fat
-my parents repeating themselves over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
-breaking up with my love because he has a girlfriend.

Hello, everyone.
I've been incrediable busy recently and even more recently just got busier by adding a paying job to my already insane schedule of 16 credits of Uni, an internship at an off broadway theatre, intensive partying and a full time lover. I should probably give up the partying, that's what's really giving me problems. However, I have been to all my classes and I've only today missed my first first reading assignment.
Anyway, back to the grind stone.

I don't understand why my parents answer their cell phone when in movies, classes, meetings etc and tell me that they're busy and that they'll call me back.

Crazy Weekend

So this isn't really the sort of thing I like to do, but I had a really crazy weekend and at least the last part needs sharing. I can't tell the rest. I'd get in trouble.
So saturday, I have two shows of "Dutchman", then I see the show at the Cherry Pit late night and then go hang out with the cast and audience at a bar down the street.
Then the other " Dutchman" cast who saw the late night moved to another club, where the lead of "Dutchman" hangs out. So he's introducing us to his friends and he introduces us to a guy named Freddie. Flash forward 2 minutes. I look over at Freddyie again and realize, it's Freddie Prinze Jr. Yes, the actor. The two guys were in "She's all that" together. Right, so both duddes are married, but only my friends wife is there and Freddie, so totally hitting on her. And my friend was starring him down. OMG. It was crazy. And then we were all dancing and Freddie touched my ass. Albeit, accidentally, but still. And I don't really like people touching my butt. So, I'm not sure when this became my life, but it did and I'm not sure if I'm thrilled of terrified. Mostly, I'm confused.