May 6, 2009
I don't want to bore you with my complaints. This blog was never intended as a place for me to vent. I alway write each post with the aim of making my readers absolutely jealous about what a fabulous life I'm leading. But that's not always the case.
Despite all the wonderful amazing people in Scotland - people I know I will miss ever so much when I return to the city. But still I feel as if I'm trying to live my life from 10,000 miles away, which doesn't work. So many things get in the way; time zones, phone bills, work schedules, sleeping and so on and so forth. This distance has made me the sort of woman I hate. The kind that calls her best friend in the middle of the night crying because her boyfriend didn't call her (I've never done this and never will. I PROMISE.) . But things start turning over in my mind that are like this and I know how silly it sounds when said out loud. Because I've also started talking to myself aloud in public. That's the bad sign, I think. I don't do this all the time. Just the moments I'm alone. The moments when I have nothing to do. The moments when I feel like I'm just killing time before I move back to NYC.
11 May 2009
I didn't publish this post right away. I wrote the above so long ago. On my sister's 21st birthday. I can't believe's an adult. I really never thought she'd grow up - not in the bad way - in that she's still that children of my heart whose out in the world doing adult things. I can't believe it.
Anyway, three days after writing the first part I got bad news. Maybe I knew it was coming. I don't really have another explanation. No, 'bad news' isn't really the right term. My... someone, who maybe, just maybe, I could love for a long time, someone I wanted to really try to have a relationship with, someone I was willing to not just run from if things got bad, someone I thought felt the same. He told me he's seeing someone else. And I don't blame him, i'm across an ocean. But... I really thought we could have tried. And to make it worse, he... he said that he's having trouble deciding to push for more with her, because of me. I don't see why he doesn't just leave her. I know he's lonely, I know that because he's told me and i've been on that otherside of this whole thing with him before. Which kind of gives me hope - a little. But I'm lonely too, doesn't he think that I don't go to bed every night alone and wish that he was beside me, close enough that I just need to reach out to touch the warm skin of his arm. But its just the cold wall. And I'm alone too.
Last time he went back to the woman he was with, and he broke my heart. But I knew he'd do it. Going back was the easy choice. It was so obvious and I sat there and watched him do it and said nothing, because... She was his girlfriend, even though she was across an ocean and across a continent. So you see. Now I'm across an ocean and he's seeing someone else, and I can only hope that he'll come back to me. But I'm not his girlfriend, I'm... and that's the problem. What the hell am I to him?
I wish I could ask the other girl how she did it. What did she say to make him go back to her? I wont yell and scream, that's not me. If he wants me, he has to pick, it has to be his choice. I can't force his hand. But I can't show him from across an ocean. I feel like my hands are tied.
