I'm really bad at ending. And everything is ending. Everything.
This ending is so slow its painful. If it were faster maybe it would be easier. I feel like i'm caught in purgatory and my options are not heaven or hell. I don't know the options there are a million of them and even then its just more waiting in LA before I go to London.
I had my french final today. I think it went well. But that means french is over. As are all my other classes. I still have one more playwriting class and then the play is due before I leave. But i almost feel that doesn't count. School ended.
work ended. I no longer work at barnes and noble. they still owe me 2 pay checks and they will come. but i wouldn't go into the store anymore. i don't work there anymore. I dramatic threw my name tag in the trash and handed the manager my lock. I considered burning the name tag, but i don't really have a place to do that, so the chuck in the trash had to suffice. Work ended.
I started packing as soon as I got home. well after dinner. I kind of got carried away. I packed all my book and took down my shelves and started in on other things.
then The Novelist called.
we broke up. he broke up with me. my relationship ended. that's not really what i need right now. he said he's tried to be supportive, but its hard when i don't see him. that's what he said. i still don't think he completely understands how i function on an emotional level - or lack there of. This time is really hard for me. I don't like endings. I never have. I like to complete things and have a finished producted, but this is just an ending of my sophmore year in NY. it might be easier if i wasn't going back across the country or i at least knew what i was going to . That Man hasn't made it easier. Although I have thought for the last few days that i've been making more of an effort in the relationship then he, but that's perspective.
I'm really disoriented. My breathing is funny and my sense of up and down is strange. I know i'm sitting in my chair, the chairs i always sit at and typing at my desk as always, but i feel like i'm going to fall forward into my computer. I can feel my muscles tensed against the imaginary angle, but I can't move or i'll fall. i feel nauseous.
What am I going to do tomorrow?
I still have stuff at his place, i guess i'll have to go get it.
no hopes in him helping me move my stuff into storage.
that's the sad part. I can't think about what this really means. I don't have time for that. I'll have to deal with that later, when i'm in LA. when its too late.
but i'm stubborn. I can't be the one asking to fix this. it has to be him. he ended it.
everything is ending.
i think i'll just go to sleep.
