In two days I'll be 21. I think this is the first time I've been excited about my birthday in 2 years. But still nothing changes. I'm not going to wake up tuesday morning and have the figure of a Barbie doll and I think i've stopped wanting that anyway. it will be strange to return home and be able to drink in front of my parents. I'm walking that line between being an adult and being a child - i don't think i ever was a teen, I've just walked this line for a very long time. NOw that i have all the rights of being an adult i don't think i really want them. I want to run back through my past and be that innocent 12 year old again, before my life took an unexpected turn and I lost sight and being a child and missed being a teen. Now, I wish that I had been rebellious. I wish I'd run off to mexico for a weekend. but i wasn't I took ballet and did theatre and turned in my homework everyday. I'm glad i did those things because i love being at the school I am now and maybe having run off to mexico change this feeling that i missed my teen years, but i never even went to those crazy high school parties and I never had the oppurtunity to get drunk in the woods, like so many of my current friends (because LA doesn't have woods).

I leave London in about 3 weeks. I can't believe my time here has gone by so quickly. I do want to go home and see my family, but i want to come back after christmas. there is so much more to see. I would love to be able to study at oxford or cambridge for grad school. I'm also completely overwhelmed by the fact that I only have 3 more semesters left at NYU and that i have to start thinking about grad school now.

i understand that self awareness is a good thing and i like to think i'm fairly self aware, but can being too self aware be a bad thing?

I haven't been able to sleep the last few night and i can't figure it out. it's been very windy, but this isn't wind like the santa ana's, but i think there is an electricity to it. Since it's colder it might be fooling me.