A New Beginning

I don't think you ever really have a new beginning. The past clings in the deeps pores of my skin and I can't scrub it out. But I can deal with that and it you don't get too close you wont see it either. But sometimes people get close enough, i'm caught a little off guard, they sneek up on me and they see into my pores and they see all the blemishs and they don't know how to react and their habits change and they lose sleep and they give long lectures and I slowly back away. I try to refocus myself in their lense, but they are stuck on those blemishes and they just want to fix them and I just want them to forget and its happened a million times and its aways the same. How do I tell someone in the beginning that it will end the way it always has? Will they really want to know? Will it really change anything? Why start again?

Needly to say I'm trying to ignore the past and the present which seem to have rolled themselves into one and I see every boy and man who has ever tried to love my before my eyes in the same person. And its a little different because we're both older, but you still don't understand and I still can't/ don't want to explain. Its just how I feel there isn't an explanation. I've never had words to explain this and you tell me its not normal and that doesn't help.

But this time you said it too. You voiced my problem. Before it was only a whisper in my brain, a thought dancing across my synapses easily enough brushed aside. You're right. I can't love. I never have been able to. At least not romantically. I believe I love my parents and my sister, but that's different isn't it? That's not the kind of love you want. I don't have passion for people. My eyes don't light up when I see you. I don't scream when I want to touch you so badly it hurts - well, that's what I'm told its supposed to be like. I like planners and schedules and organized pages. Those make my eyes light up. Maybe sometime is wrong, but its never been different.

I hardest part is when you realize I can't love you back with the same intensity that you love me. I can feel the pain behind every glance and every accidental touch. You can't kiss me anymore. You can barely say good morning. I'll stop spending the night. My draw will slowly empty. You'll stop seeing me at work. I'm looking for a new job anyway. Soon you'll through my toothbrush away. I won't be able to use it from across the country, I'll have bought a new one. Then one day you'll open my draw - just to look - and see that ring you gave me, the one I wear around my neck. But it will be alone. The chain - which was mine - won't even be there. So you'll take the ring out and put it on your desk. You bought new boxers and they don't fit in the other drawer. That's when I'm gone. An ocean away. Don't let me fill your thoughts. You'll only be another shadow in mine.

I won't give you this blog address. I don't want you to read this and know the end yet. If that's where you left this fall to.